Independence & Space
The amount of time a person needs on their own is not a measure of how much they like you, and almost everyone knows that in theory and forgets it in practice.
One of you unwinds by being alone for an hour after work. The other unwinds by talking about the day. If neither has said so, the hour looks like withdrawal and the talking looks like an intrusion, and both of you spend the evening slightly wrong about what just happened.
These questions cover the practical version — separate hobbies, solo trips, whether you would go to an event alone, how often you want an evening to yourself — and the interpretive one underneath, which is what you assume it means when your partner wants space. The assumption is usually the whole problem.
This is also the category most affected by circumstance. Couples who live together answer it very differently from couples who do not, and the same person's answers change after a move. It is worth revisiting rather than treating as settled.
8 questions about independence & space
A sample from the 45 in this category.
- Spend an evening apart doing your own thing?
- Have a hobby your partner has no part in?
- Take a trip on your own?
- Need time alone after being around people?
- Make plans without checking first?
- How important is having time entirely to yourself?
- How comfortable are you when your partner wants space?
- What do you do that is entirely for yourself?
Is wanting a lot of time alone a bad sign?
No. It predicts very little on its own. What predicts friction is a gap between how much each of you wants, combined with neither having said the number out loud.
How does this apply to long-distance couples?
Inverted, usually. The scarce resource is together-time rather than alone-time, and the mismatch shows up as how often you expect to be in contact rather than how often you want space.
Should we retake this after a big change?
Yes. Moving in together, a new job or a baby all move these answers substantially, and this is one of the categories where the old result stops being true quite quickly.
Two phones, no account. Nothing is shown until you have both finished, and only the answers you both gave are revealed.