Daily Life & Habits

100 Questions to Ask Before Moving In Together

9 September 2026 · 8 min read

Moving in together is the only major relationship decision people routinely make without a conversation. Marriage gets discussed for months. Children get discussed for years. Moving in gets decided because one lease was ending.

The result is that a large share of couples discover their actual incompatibilities in month two of cohabiting, and discover them as arguments about specific incidents rather than as a discussion of preferences. Nobody says "we have different thresholds for mess". Somebody says "why is this still here" and the other person hears an accusation.

All of it is knowable in advance, and knowing it in advance costs one evening.

Money

The part most likely to cause a serious argument and most likely to be skipped.

• What is the maximum either of us should be paying in rent?
• Do we split it evenly or by income?
• Which of those does each of us actually think is fair?
• Whose name goes on the lease?
• What happens to the deposit if one of us leaves?
• Who pays the bills, practically — who sets them up and remembers?
• Joint account for shared costs, or one of us pays and the other transfers?
• What counts as a shared cost? Food? Cleaning products? Furniture?
• What if one of us eats out more?
• What if one of us is home more and uses more heating?
• What is the budget for furnishing it?
• Who decides what we buy?
• What happens to jointly bought things if we separate?
• What if one of us loses their income?
• For how long would the other cover it?
• Would that be a loan or not?
• Is either of us bringing debt into this arrangement?
• Do we both know the full number?
• What is the most either of us would spend on the flat without asking?
• Would we both give the same answer?

Mess, cleanliness and the daily stuff

This causes more day-to-day unhappiness than money does, and it is entirely predictable in advance.

• On a scale you define, how tidy do you need a home to be?
• What is the one thing that would genuinely bother you if left undone?
• How long can washing-up sit before it becomes a problem?
• How often should the place be properly cleaned?
• Who would notice first that it needed doing?
• Does that person always end up doing it?
• Would we hire a cleaner if we could afford it?
• How do we split chores — by task, by rota, or by whoever notices?
• Which is your honest preference?
• Do you make the bed?
• Do you leave shoes on indoors?
• Where do clothes go between worn and washed?
• What is your position on the bathroom?
• Who does the laundry, and how often?
• What food goes in the fridge that the other person would find strange?
• Do we shop together or separately?
• Do we eat together most nights?
• What time is dinner?
• Who cooks?
• What happens when neither of us wants to?

Space and time

• How much time alone do you need in a normal week?
• What does that look like practically in a shared flat?
• Would you want a room, a corner, or just an hour?
• What do you do to decompress after work?
• Do you want to be spoken to in the first twenty minutes of getting home?
• What time do you go to bed?
• What time do you get up?
• Are you quiet in the morning?
• Does noise bother you when you are working?
• Do you like the radio or television on in the background?
• What is your ideal Saturday in this flat?
• How much of the weekend should we spend together?
• Is it fine for one of us to go out without the other?
• How often?
• Would you feel abandoned or relieved?
• How do you feel about guests staying?
• How much notice do you need?
• Would your family stay with us?
• Would mine?
• For how long is too long?

Boundaries and habits

• Do you mind me using your things?
• Which things are off limits?
• Are we the kind of couple who shares a phone passcode?
• Do we knock?
• Is the bathroom door closed?
• How do you feel about me being in the room while you are on the phone to family?
• Is there anything you do alone that you would want to keep doing alone?
• What is a habit of yours I should be warned about now?
• What is one of mine you have already noticed?
• Have you been letting something go that will become a problem daily?
• What do you do when you are annoyed — say it, or wait?
• What would you want me to do if I annoyed you on a Tuesday about something small?
• How do we handle it if one of us needs the flat to ourselves?
• Would you tell me if you needed that?
• What would make this feel like your home rather than somewhere you live?

Pets, plants and other dependants

• Do we want a pet?
• Who would look after it, realistically?
• What happens to it if we separate?
• Are you allergic to anything?
• Do either of us have a child, part-time or otherwise, in this equation?
• If so, what changes?
• Are we responsible for anyone else — a parent, a sibling?
• Could that person end up living with us?
• How would we decide that?
• Would we both have a veto?

If it does not work

The section everyone skips and the one that makes the rest safe to answer honestly.

• If this is not working in six months, how would we know?
• Would you tell me, or wait to be sure?
• Who moves out?
• Could either of us afford to?
• How much notice would we give each other?
• Would we try to fix it first, and for how long?
• Is there a version of us that works better living apart?
• Would you consider that a failure?
• Would I?
• What would we do about the lease, the deposit, and anything we bought together?
• Would we split the furniture or would one of us take it?
• Have either of us been through this before?
• What did you learn?
• What are you most nervous about?
• What are you most looking forward to?

The two conversations to have separately

Two subjects on this page reliably produce dishonest answers when discussed face to face, and they are the two that matter most.

Money. Said out loud, a number is a demand — "I think we should split it by income" is heard as a comment on what the other person earns, and they defend before they finish considering it. Written down and compared afterwards, it is just two numbers with a gap between them.

Mess. Nobody wants to describe themselves as the untidy one, so face to face both people describe a middle position neither of them occupies. Then you move in and discover the real thresholds by collision.

Both subjects survive being written down far better than being raised over dinner, which is the case for doing this before the lease rather than after. PairReveal covers the ground in daily life and habits and money and finances.